January 11, 2008

Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers,

for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.

~ Hebrews 13:2 (ESV)

Today I encountered an angel. Yes, there are many times that God has used people I know to send me a message, but this was a true angel.

I had lunch with the women from the Enrollment Division. It was not the usual crowd. Toward the end of lunch I shared with Jenn and Nancy the blessings I’ve received and the lessons God has been teaching me about letting people in. God has shown me His love and support through those around me. God is not going to come down in robes of white, flashes of light, and a big halo. It is through the people in my life that I experience His grace.

These were the thoughts I shared with Jenn and Nancy. As we were leaving the cafeteria we heard a voice. “Excuse me ma’am.” We stopped, thinking it was someone who needed help or directions to an office. It was a woman in a brightly colored blouse who had gone unnoticed during our lunch. She said, “I could not help but overhear your conversation at lunch.” I thought she had her own story to share. Instead she continued, “I want you to have this book.” She handed me Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.

I have never seen this woman before – and I know most of our students. I never did ask her name. Will I ever see her again? Could she afford to give away a book that obviously means something to her?

I asked my companions if they knew her. Neither had ever seen her before. Nancy commented on the random act of kindness. Jenn commented on coincidence and the universe. I called it fate; and an angel from God to give a gift.

Angels in Oncology

What can I write about oncology? In so many ways it is unique and individual. I had my first treatment on Wednesday, December 26. The day after Christmas. I could write about that first day; that first treatment. I could write about the preparation and the post-care. I could write about the needle in the back of my left hand and watching the drugs drip into me; waiting to see if there would be an allergic reaction. But all those things are meaningless without the Angels.

My doctor. She is a scientist, a healer, and a compassionate, caring soul. There is supposed to be a professional detachment between doctors and patients. I don’t believe that is possible if a doctor really cares about their profession. No, I don’t go to her house during the holidays and we don’t exchange birthday presents. But through it all I watched as she cared for me and others. She laughed at my jokes and answered our questions. She is personable and knows about my life outside of the doctor’s office. She works hard for her patients and is researching ways to prevent breast cancer recurrence. I am impressed by her willingness to share this part of her life with me.

Lauren. Lauren is a nurse practitioner. I met Lauren while she was still working on her Master’s Degree. I asked her why oncology? She said that she is specifically concerned for women with breast cancer and wanted to focus her career on breast health. She has no personal connection with breast cancer, yet feels called to care for us. She spends her time asking medical history questions, answering concerns that arise, and reassuring the scared and anxious that together, we will get through this.

Elaine. Elaine is a volunteer. She wanders the oncology ward stopping to ask patients if they need anything. She brings crackers, and ginger ale, and ice cream. Over the weeks and my subsequent visits she shares her story with me. She is also a breast cancer survivor. She had all of her treatments right there at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center. Now she spends every Wednesday as a volunteer; giving back to the hospital that helped save her life. I nicknamed her the Ice Cream Angel.

Myrielle. Myrielle is an oncology nurse. She was the nurse assigned to me. There is very strict protocol when it comes to the handling and administration of chemotherapy drugs so the nurses work in pairs. But Myrielle was the one to prep. me and watch over me to make sure everything was going well. She is also very happy. I asked her once why she was so happy all the time; especially working in oncology. Her response, “Because I am happy and I want to share that happiness with you and the other patients. You need happiness and hope. And at the end of the day I get to go home and count my blessings.” Myrielle is still there and she is still happy.

These are my Angels in oncology. And I am thankful they were sent to me in my time of need.

Christmastime is Here

The Christmas season makes me a little sad. Five years ago I was in the darkest place imaginable, during a time that is supposed to be filled with happiness and light. I had just had surgery and was finishing my law school studies while recovering. Additionally, I was meeting with my surgeon for post-surgery follow-up and my oncologist to plan my next phase of treatment. I found myself keeping quiet. It was difficult to share with others what was happening to me. I wanted to keep it to myself; get through it all and just move on. When I thought that I could go through chemotherapy without anyone knowing I knew I was in trouble.

My oncologist wanted to start chemotherapy as soon as possible after my surgeon gave the ok. My first treatment was December 26.

So as I reflect on that time in my life I remember the darkness; the feeling of being alone. And yet I was not alone. My husband was by my side every step of the way, keeping silent vigil. I knew in my heart that God had a purpose for all of this. My family, friends, classmates and colleagues rallied in unimaginable ways. I was surrounded by love and devotion.

But Christmas time also brings me great joy. I love the lights, the decorations, the music, and getting together with friends and family.

And I am reminded of another scared and lonely woman facing her darkest hour. Whether Christ’s birth occurred in December or at another time of year, the story is the same. A scared, pregnant woman who faces the darkness of being shunned by family, friends and society. Who has to leave her home due to government regulations and taxation. Yet by her side is the man who is her husband; unfaltering in such a horrible climate. She knows that there is a purpose for her life and in her circumstances. God has promised joy beyond what is happening to her right here and now. She has been granted grace to carry on, knowing that there is a reason for this season in her life.

We all know the story, and we can all relate. Because Mary's story is our story.

In the Beginning

Some blogs have themes. Some blogs are personal reflection. My blog is a story of healing and hope. The intent is to share my story. Upon reflection, it seems that it is the story of who I am today. However, my history comes through and the purpose is to share it with you in hopes that you find inspiration in the grace that I have been given.

A co-worker of mine believes that it is always best to start at the beginning, so I am going to try that. Over the next several weeks I will share my story of five years ago. Five years is a long time, so I will rely on a journal I kept, my memory and my current reflections of the past. I guess I could say that my story started in October 2007, but really it started before then. I just didn’t know it at the time.

When I was 35 I had a base-line mammogram. Everything seemed alright and I did not have another until the age of 40. At 40, and each following year, I dutifully fulfilled my obligation to have a mammogram. Each year I had a second mammogram followed by an ultrasound only to be told that I had a cyst and should cut down on the caffeine. Until the age of 43. At 43 I started with my annual physical only to have my doctor send me for an ultrasound. The ultrasound resulted in a visit to a surgeon who ordered a mammogram and biopsy. None of it was real. There was no history of breast cancer in my family. Even when the surgeon told me I had breast cancer I said, “No I don’t.”

After those initial appointments my life became a blur. We decided to get a second opinion in Boston. My initial surgeon was supportive and only asked that if I chose a different treatment team to please let her know so that she would not wonder what had happened to me. We decided to go with the Boston team.

There are some things that I have learned, both from the initial diagnosis and treatment, as well as subsequent reflection. It is important:

·         To choose a treatment plan, team and location that is best for you. The last thing you need is additional stress. I have friends who chose their neighborhood hospital and clinic because of their personal relationship with their doctors, as well as the convenience due to family and other obligations. They received the best treatment possible, so you don’t have to travel hours to find the best.

·         Have a Team of doctors. My doctors were all part of a network of hospitals and clinics. As a result, they talked with each other on the phone and they had access to my medical records through the hospital database. They also met together regularly to discuss my case.

·         Remember that you are part of that Team. Ask questions. Give feedback. Make a phone call if something doesn’t seem right.

·         Let others “do” for you. Your friends and family feel helpless. It is important to give them something to do.

·         Embrace love and be open to God. I received blessing upon blessing and continue to see God’s grace in my life through this journey. I truly believe that friends are God’s way of saying “I love you.” (Even strangers provide God’s comfort).

Blessings & Grace to you. Be well.

30 Days of Thanksgiving

Several of my friends are participating in the 30 days of Thanksgiving postings. I always think it’s a nice idea but never seem to get my act together enough to participate. This year, November is particularly interesting for me. It was five years ago that I was diagnosed with cancer. And five years ago that I had surgery (which is where I mark my cancer-free day). What makes it interesting this year is that the calendar lines up exactly the way it did five years ago. Five years ago, November 2nd was a Friday. Five years ago, November 29th was the Thursday after Thanksgiving. So, it got me thinking about my 30 days of Thanksgiving.

1.     I am thankful for my husband of 26 years. He loves me and stuck by me in our darkest hours. He truly lived “in sickness and in health.”

2.     I am thankful for my family.

3.     I am thankful for my friends.

4.     I am thankful for my colleagues.

5.     I am thankful for my classmates. They stuck by me, helping me finish school and graduate with them.

6.     I am thankful for the administration at my law school. They stood by me and supported my choice to graduate with my class.

7.     I am thankful for my great-niece Kiley, who was born near the end of my treatments and reminded me that life goes on.

8.     I am thankful for my doctors. It is through their dedication and research that I received the best possible treatment for my diagnosis.

9.     I am thankful for my nurses, who held my hand and let me laugh at the ridiculous.

10.  I am thankful for the Angels in Oncology; nurses and volunteers who took time to be with me.

11.  I am thankful for my career.

12.  I am thankful for lasting friendships; both near and far.

13.  I am thankful for my kitties. They make me smile by just being themselves.

14.  I am thankful for my beautiful home.

15.  I am thankful for new friends.

16.  I am thankful for fresh air and sunshine.

17.  I am thankful for music and dance.

18.  I am thankful for my Avon Team. Together, we are in it to end it.

19.  I am thankful for books and the ability to read; whether for learning or escape.

20.  I am thankful for good food and good drink.

21.  I am thankful for my Goddaughter and her sister. Two beautiful young women who are like daughters to us.

22.  I am thankful for my niece who went from being my little girl to being my sister.

23.  I am thankful for my nephew. I am proud of his choice to protect our country in the Army.

24.  I am thankful for my siblings and cousins. You are the best friends I could have.

25.  I am thankful for my parents. (You can blame them).

26.  I am thankful for travel and the ability to see the world.

27.  I am thankful for laughter.

28.  I am thankful for a warm fire on a cold evening.

29.  I am thankful for my past because it has shaped who I am in the present.

30.  And most of all, I am thankful for my health.

Men of Faith

Recently I attended the memorial service of a friend. He was one of my husband’s closest friends and an agnostic. I remember one time, sitting in my living room, listening to him explain that he really didn’t know if there was anything beyond what we have right here and now. His feeling was that this life is it; and then it is over.

As friends gathered at his home I looked around at who had come to pay their respects and show support to his widow and orphan. There is the circle of friends who share the same hobby and are part of our inner circle. The men who live in the area were there. And then there were the ones who came from a distance. Some, a very long distance.

What struck me most about these men is their faith. I looked from my husband to these men and realized they had more than a hobby, an annual vacation, and a friend in common. These are men who know there is a God and live their lives to honor Him. My husband presents as quiet, conservative, and a little reserved. But deep inside, he holds the truths of the Bible close to his heart; living each day with the moral principles that he was taught as a child. He treats his employees, customers, and clients with respect. He does what is right because it is all that he knows.

His friends are the same. I know them through their wives as part of our annual get-together. When they get together they party, and play, and celebrate life. When they give me a hug or ask, “How are you?” they mean it. They are men of honor and integrity. I know that they each shared their faith with him.

I am deeply saddened when I think of what these men lost with the death of their friend. It occurs to me that each one of them had a special friendship with him. And it is that friendship that helped create the relationships I saw that day. God brought him into their lives. But more importantly, this man, this agnostic chose to hang out with these men of faith. And God brought these men of faith into the life of someone with questions.

Nature's Antidote

I am affected by the changes in the length of daylight hours. I think most of us are. Some, more than others. This year I became acutely aware of the short “days” around mid-October. Rather than give into my lack of motivation I decided to rake up the leaves from my driveway today. This accomplished several things.

First, I got some exercise. Second, and more importantly, I got some fresh air and a healthy dose of natural sunlight. And the icing on the cake? My driveway no longer looks like a hiking trail in the woods.