Reflections of 2013

M.C. Escher

December has been a whirlwind of activity; all of it good. As a result, I did not write much, but it has been on my heart and mind. So today I thought I’d reflect on the past year and share some thoughts. Usually at the end of the year we have an inclination that with the New Year comes new beginnings. Many people make New Year’s resolutions. My husband and I don’t. We set goals.

At the beginning of 2013 I set some goals. One was to write weekly. I did not write weekly, but looking back on my archive I actually wrote more than 52 entries for this blog. I must have had some active writing weeks to make it that far before the end of 2013!

Another goal was to lose another 20 pounds and reach a healthy weight. I didn’t reach that goal.

My third goal was to walk a marathon (26.2 miles) in the Avon Walk in San Francisco. Not only did I reach that goal, I actually bested my mileage by walking 31.4 miles. I hope that doesn’t set me up for failure when we walk in Chicago in 2014.

A goal that I achieved that I hadn’t realized I set was to not pass up an opportunity. Upon reflection I realize that I said “yes” to opportunities because I could. Unless it is a medical appointment there is nothing in my life that cannot (or should not) be rescheduled. And so I went on last minute visits; I went on hikes; I saw a friend share at a Christian women’s gathering; I got to see my brother even though it was only for a couple of hours.

Over this year I have had some amazing experiences. I have made some new friends. I have reconnected with dear friends from high school. I walked across the Golden Gate Bridge with extraordinary friends. I hung out in Texas with close friends. I have been blessed with being the part of some exceptional lives. And I have the opportunity to do what I love.

For 2014 my goals are pretty much the same:

1.     Write weekly for my blog.

2.     Exercise, eat well, and get to that healthy BMI weight.

3.     Walk a marathon (or more) in the 2014 Avon Walk for Breast Cancer – destination city: Chicago

4.     Say “yes” to opportunities.

Stay tuned for my first post of January 2014 when I share my “Gratitude Jar” with you.

If you enjoy my blog and would like to follow me on Facebook, I can be found at The Reluctant Survivor. Now on Twitter @relucsurvivor.

Coincidence

I’ve never really believed in coincidences. I used to explain the phenomenon as fate or “meant to be.” Then I learned of Albert Einstein’s statement that “coincidence is God’s way of remaining anonymous” and I thought, “That’s it!” But the truth is that God isn’t very anonymous when He performs the miracle that is a coincidence.

I’ve written about my friend Shelle before and how we connected in 2009 when it seemed impossible that I would see her. I have also wondered how my two worlds, my professional life and my personal story, could possibly connect. And then I meet Robyn.

I was away at a professional conference the week after Thanksgiving. It is held the same time every year so I simply put it in my calendar. This year the timing seemed inconvenient; only two and a half weeks until Christmas when I got back. Professionally, it’s a perfect time of year for the conference. Personally, it cuts into the Christmas season and adds some additional stress. However, I knew I’d get to see Shelle and that made it worthwhile. (Yes, we spent a couple of evenings together in Vegas, and that’s all I’m going to say). The conference was great, and seeing friends from around the country was wonderful.

One of the nice things about being at a professional conference is getting to see friends in the industry that I’ve worked with over the years but we are now at different colleges. We don’t get to see each other unless it is at a conference. And while Facebook is a great place to stay in touch, it just isn’t the same thing. One of my lunch dates was with a former colleague and dear friend, Rebeccah. Rebeccah brought her co-worker Robyn with her.

We chatted about people who were still at Rebeccah’s institution; catching up on various changes. I asked about a mutual friend who is undergoing treatment for breast cancer. My question was posed in such a way that I realized it would be out of context for Robyn. So I turned to Robyn and said, “I’m a breast cancer survivor, just so you know where this is coming from.” Our exchange then took a different route.

Robyn had recently lost a very close friend to breast cancer and she wanted to know about mine. We shared our stories and our knowledge. I disclosed how Rebeccah was part of my story. Rebeccah told of her experience with me. In the end we talked non-stop for over an hour.

Again, my two worlds collide. Coincidence? I think not.

 

If you enjoy my blog and would like to follow me on Facebook, I can be found at The Reluctant Survivor. Now on Twitter @relucsurvivor.

Happy Thanksgiving

For my American friends, today is Thanksgiving. To all, may your lives be filled with blessings, joy, and much thanksgiving.

If you enjoy my blog and would like to follow me on Facebook, I can be found at The Reluctant Survivor. Now on Twitter @relucsurvivor.

For Bryan

What is the point of my life?

I lived, and for that I am eternally grateful. I know that God has a purpose for my life, and a purpose because I lived. I struggle with trying to define that purpose, but I know that God will show me if I just let Him. Right now, for today, I will pay it forward because I can. And I think that is the best that I can do with my life in order to say “thank you.”

One day you will see a need, be called to a task that you can fulfill. It might even be something that you never dreamed you would or could do. But you find yourself saying “yes.” And as you know, saying “yes” is scary for me. Yet God has brought me to today, to this moment.

We are all given resources to say “yes.” Sometimes those resources are simple, like a spare bed or time. We aren’t always called to say “yes” when confronted with a need. Sometimes our response is to pray or make a connection so that the need is met. But when the answer before me is so clearly “yes” I find that I can no longer say “no.”

May you live in the moment and be blessed with the ability to say “yes” when you can.

 

If you enjoy my blog and would like to follow me on Facebook, I can be found at The Reluctant Survivor. Now on Twitter @relucsurvivor.

Being 49

I remember when my mother turned 49 she spent the whole year saying “I’m going to be 50.” We laugh about it now, but the sad part of this is that she missed being 49. I turned 49 in July. At 49 I am discovering that this is a year of observation. My first observation is that I wonder how I got here. To 49. You see, I was just 47.

As I think about becoming 49 I realize I was never 48. Instead I spent the year being five. I was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 43. So as I hit 48, I also became five. Every month it was “five years since…”

Being five was not a bad thing. It marked a milestone. Most cancers have a high five year survival rate, which means you are still alive after five years. However, it doesn’t mean you are cancer free or that your cancer hasn’t recurred. It just means you are still alive after five years. But reaching the five year mark with no evidence of disease is huge. I told my oncologist I feel as if I am back into the general population. (She smiled).

Another observation is an awareness of the breast cancer community. I follow a couple of blogs. I read the news. And I paid attention during Pink October. By paying attention I learned a few things. The most important thing I learned has to do with metastatic (Stage IV) breast cancer. If you read my posts during October you know that 30% of early stage breast cancer will recur and metastasize. Yes, it means that 70% have no recurrence and die of something else. Hopefully old age. But this statistic is not discussed as part of treatment. And 30% seems awfully high for a disease that is supposed to have such good prognosis.

What shocked me was to read about a real life person whose cancer came back 20 years later only to metastasize a few years after that. That is correct – 25 years after initial diagnosis! So it doesn’t end after five years. This is why I am taking care of myself; eating healthy, working at being a healthy weight, and exercising. (I encourage this for everyone).

I am also observing how my life is progressing. I sometimes wonder how my professional life as a lawyer and compliance specialist fits with my personal life as a breast cancer survivor and blogger. I know there’s a connection, and lately I’ve been watching as these two worlds come together. Right now it’s difficult to explain, but I’m sure there will be posts generated once I find the words. For now I’m going to observe, and see how God unfolds this new year. A year of being 49.

If you enjoy my blog and would like to follow me on Facebook, I can be found at The Reluctant Survivor and now on Twitter @relucsurvivor.

Throwback Thursday

Today is Thursday, October 31. That means it is Throwback Thursday on Facebook. A day where you post pictures from the archives that are reminiscent of days gone by. It is also Halloween. A day where even the adults get to be children once again. Halloween also marks the last day in October, making it the last day of Breast Cancer Awareness Month. (Though women and men should continue to pay attention to changes in their body and overall health, no matter what month it is). So, in honor of all three occasions, I bring you this photo from February 2008.

 

During treatment I had chosen not to wear a wig, so as a joke my husband bought me this wig. My skin was jaundiced from the poison that is chemotherapy and I’m a bit bloated from being hopped up on steroids. As a throwback this is a reminder of where I was and a celebration of how far I’ve come. For Halloween – well, it’s Elvira. And while the wig is not pink, it is a statement for Breast Cancer Awareness and education.

Be well.

If you enjoy my blog and would like to follow me on Facebook, I can be found at The Reluctant Survivor.

Rabbit Hill Inn

Rabbit Hill Inn is one of our favorite places in New England. We discovered it years ago when looking for a weekend get-away at a Distinctive Inn. While we don’t get to Vermont every year we go quite often. And over the years we’ve become friends with the Inn Keepers. What started as a weekend get-away for rest and relaxation has turned into our choice of destinations for birthdays, anniversaries, and other celebrations.

It is also the place we went to heal.

In November 2007 I had surgery for triple-negative breast cancer. I am one of the lucky ones; my cancer was caught early and was Stage I. Because triple-negative is an aggressive, fast-growing cancer it is most often diagnosed at a later stage with poorer outcomes.

In December 2007 we retreated to Rabbit Hill Inn. I was still recovering from surgery, had just finished law school, and was facing chemotherapy. My hair was still long because I refused to face the reality that I would lose my hair in another month. It was right before Christmas and the Inn was decorated for the holidays. It was an occasion for quiet time together. We spent time in our suite, sitting before the fire, reading. Dinner was a five-star feast at the Inn with wine and candlelight.

It was June 2009 before we returned. This time it was another time of recovery, but with better news. In May I had undergone a surgical biopsy on the same breast for a possible new cancer. (A new cancer is not a recurrence of the original cancer. It is a different cancer, with a different pathological diagnosis). Fortunately, the tumor was benign. And my hair had grown out enough that it just looked like I’d had a haircut.

We never told Brian and Leslie what had happened. There have been times at our various stays that I considered it, but the timing never seemed right. There was a recent visit where we wondered if everything was alright with Leslie, but we dismissed it as her being tired. Now we know. And they know.

Brian and Leslie have always been two very special people in our lives. They have welcomed us into their Inn with warmth and love. And during our time of need they provided us with a haven; a home away from home where we could escape, love and be loved, and heal.



 

If you enjoy my blog and would like to follow me on Facebook, I can be found at The Reluctant Survivor.