I never wanted to be an inspiration. It was
never my intent. However, I shared this post on Facebook because it struck me
that I do want to be an
inspiration. (Just not in the hero-worship kind of way). I want to share my
story with others because it is one of healing and hope.
In October 2007 it seemed that my career was
just beginning. I was in a position as Acting Director and was confident that
this was where God wanted me. I was finishing law school and facing the
February 2008 bar exam. I had no doubt that I would pass on my first attempt.
Things were coming together and life was just beginning.
On October 11, 2007 I was told that my employment
contract was not being renewed. My VP wanted to give me enough time to think
about what I wanted to do between now and the end of the calendar year. I had
the option of resigning and she would fully support that decision. Or I could
continue to work through the end of the year and help the department with the
transition.
That same afternoon I had my annual physical.
It was then that my PCP told me she felt a lump that she did not like and
recommended an ultrasound. I was going on vacation the following week and asked
if it could be scheduled for the Monday I was back. That was not a problem. At
the time I dismissed her words because there was no history of cancer in my
family. And my own mother had had a benign tumor removed when she was my age.
It was simply that I was following in my mother’s footsteps.
However, deep inside I think I knew my world
was falling apart. And it did. When I returned from vacation I faced a series
of doctors’ appointments that ultimately confirmed that I had breast cancer. I
held onto the idea that God knew what was best. The truth is, I don’t believe
in a God that “did this” to me or “allowed this to happen” to me. Rather, I
believe in a God who knew what path my journey was about to take and arranged
things so that I would remain on the correct path for my life journey. You see,
if I had kept my job and was made permanent (no longer “acting”) when I was
diagnosed with cancer I would not have taken the bar exam. God knew I was
facing cancer and treatment so He made it easy for me to make the right
decision; which wasn’t even mine.
With two weeks left for classes I underwent
surgery. (It feels as if I spent the month of November at the hospital).
December was more appointments and a final pathology report that would
determine my treatment plan. I was told I needed chemotherapy and should start
as soon as possible. I asked if I’d be allowed to take the bar exam. My doctors
seemed a little puzzled by my determination but assured me that it was alright
to fly to California and take the exam if I felt up to it. It never occurred to
me to not take the exam or miss my graduation ceremony. (My law school holds a
graduation ceremony the Saturday after the bar exam). So I went. I took the
exam.
I started my chemotherapy treatments on
December 26, 2007. During January and February I studied for the bar exam. As
the weeks progressed I found it more difficult to concentrate. What would have
taken me an hour or two now took a whole afternoon. However, I allowed myself
to not finish bar prep. assignments, to nap, and I did not beat myself up when
I scored poorly on practice exams. After all, I was “sick.” Throughout the
months of study, the exam, chemotherapy treatments, and waiting for exam
results I held fast to the conviction that I was doing the right thing. It was
important for me to take the exam. It was important for me to show up for my
graduation.
I did not pass the February exam. But I
didn’t have a job and I was finished with treatments by the end of May. So I
decided to take the time I had until the July 2008 exam to study and start my
recovery. One of my closest friends from law school wasn’t successful on the
February attempt either. Originally she thought she’d wait until the following
February to take the exam again. I told her of my plans to charge ahead and
take it again in July. After all, I had nothing to do but study. A few days
later she emailed me to say she had signed up for the same test site in July.
We decided to study together. I’m glad to report that we were both successful on
that attempt.
A
happy ending to my years of law school and bar exam studies is only part of my
story. The other part is the gift of healing that I received. Or maybe it is
better described as preemptive healing. You see, the more I learn about
triple-negative breast cancer
the more I realize that my diagnosis should have
been a lot worse.
Instead, I was diagnosed at Stage I, with no
lymph node involvement. I had surgery, followed by chemotherapy and radiation.
I feel I was cancer-free as soon as I’d had my surgery. The other two phases of
treatment were merely preventative medicine. I am graced with good health and
believe I was given the gift of healing. As I wrote in my post Psalm 46:10 I felt God’s comfort right from the
beginning. I believe, and continue to believe, that there is a reason for my
experience. There is a purpose to my story. I will continue to share my life
and let the doors open when and where they are meant to open. I received
healing, but I also experienced hope.
And I want others to know this same hope.
I am not here to tell you that you, too, will
be healed. That may not be your story. It may not be part of your journey. I
know people who have died from cancer. I know people who are currently dying
from cancer. Cancer is ugly. Cancer sucks. And cancer kills. Let’s face it,
life is a terminal illness. And if it’s not cancer, something else will “take” us
in the end. It might be disease, an accident, or simply old age. However, I
don’t want anyone to give up.
If you have been diagnosed with a terminal
illness, don’t give up. Don’t stop loving. Don’t give up on your family. They
need you for as long as you can be here for them. Don’t give up on your
friends. We need you for as long as you can have us in your life. But most of
all, don’t give up on seeking grace. It’s there for the taking. All you have to
do is ask.
So yes, I want to inspire people. I want them
to say “Because of you I didn’t give up.”
If you enjoy my blog and would like to follow me on Facebook, I can be found at The Reluctant Survivor.
