Boston Herald

As you have often seen me write, I wonder why. What is this all about? Mine is a story of healing. It is a story of hope. It is a Lifetime Television Movie. Yet I wonder why and for what purpose it all has meaning.

Recently I was reminded that for “Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required.” – Luke 12:48 ESV. Yes. Much has been given. Therefore much is required.

And then I met Herald.

My dear friend Shelle introduced us. I kept wanting to call him Hal or Henry, but I knew that wasn’t right. With a twinkle in his eye he said, “Think of the Boston Herald. It’s even spelled the same way.” But Herald is not from Boston. Throughout the evening we shared our stories. How I met Shelle. How my time with her was continually extended. How our friendship grew. The fact that God allowed me to be with her during the passing of her mother. None of which was meant to be in the original scheme of things. Yet God provided her with a friendship that she needed at the time; a friendship that I didn’t understand at the time. Now I do.

As my own story unfolded Herold pulled out his “smart phone” and pulled up a Bible verse. “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”  – 2 Corinthians 1:3 & 4 ESV

I still don’t get it. I still don’t understand “why me?” I am not an angel. I have so many doubts of my own. I question so many things. But not my faith. I believe in God and His purpose. But why would He choose someone who cannot reconcile her own beliefs, let alone reconcile this journey? I lived against the odds. I celebrate the hope and the pink ribbon. But I am conflicted with the truth that is my friend Linda.

She will die.

Within the next few days. Within the next few weeks. She will not be alive when I walk in the 2015 Boston Avon Walk to End Breast Cancer. I don’t get it. I truly don’t understand. Yet, for Boston Herald, I know that I have been given much. Therefore, much is required.

Redefining Myself

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer I was in denial, and yet I was overwhelmed with a sense of peace. I felt a protection that left me with a sense of calm that nothing was wrong; this was just something that I had to go through. I truly believe I was blessed with healing and health, and I thought that I wanted to share this as my story. But it never happened. As a result of wanting to share my story I started this blog.

Instead of sharing what I thought was my message of healing and hope, I have learned more about breast cancer. The fact is that one size does not fit all. I have learned the reality of my own diagnosis and realize that I am not off base in feeling blessed. And I have said “yes” to situations that I never imagined would come my way.

I have shared how I became involved with the Avon Foundation and the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. This upcoming weekend I will walk in my fourth Walk. It has become a passion and a goal to walk in each city where the Walk is hosted. After this weekend I will have walked in half of them.

This year is especially meaningful for me because the Avon Foundation has committed to funding research projects that are specifically related to metastatic breast cancer. No, I have not been diagnosed with a recurrence or metastatic breast cancer. But my friend Linda is dying. And I have been part of her transportation team. I never imagined I would find myself in this place. The truth is that cancer kills.

Recently I have seen postings by people who offer a false hope. Their message is that God healed them through some miraculous diet and you, too, can be healed. These websites make me angry. It is not that I do not believe in God’s grace and healing touch. I do. But to tell someone that all they have to do is have enough faith, and they can be healed is false and misleading. Part of me wants to call them out as hacks on social media. However, that is not fair. They truly believe in their miracle, and I hope they are not disappointed in 15 to 20 years.

I now know that I do not want to be that person. I want to be realistic. The truth is I am fortunate. I was diagnosed with Stage I triple negative breast cancer, which is almost unheard of. I did not have a recurrence in 36-48 months. I have just passed my six years after treatment date. (My oncologist measures my progress based on when I finished treatment).

Mine is still a story of healing and hope. The hope I now share is the hope of God’s grace.

If you enjoy my blog and would like to follow me on Facebook, I can be found at The Reluctant Survivor. And on Twitter @relucsurvivor.

I Am Tired

I have become weary. I could blame it on the exceptionally cold winter this season. I might attribute it to some extra responsibilities at work. However, this feeling of ennui has been with me since before the bitter temperatures of December arrived, and long before things got busy at work.

I started thinking about why I feel this way and I realize that I am not tired; I am angry. I am angry at this “thing” called cancer. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross is known for identifying five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It is recognized that the stages do not have to occur in that exact order except that grief generally starts with denial and ends with acceptance. And even after acceptance the stages can be and often are revisited.

I have heard that anyone who has experienced a traumatic event in their lives will go through these stages. The event does not have to be the death of a loved one. A common circumstance is a life-threatening illness or diagnosis. I was once asked if I ever got angry about my diagnosis. The answer is no, I don’t think I have. I seem to have skipped over that part.

But now I’m angry. I am angry with the small town doctor and radiologist at my local hospital (before I moved my health care to Boston) who overlooked years of questionable mammograms, telling me I had a cyst, because there was no history of breast cancer in my family. I am angry that another local hospital overlooked a friend’s symptoms of a recurrence. I am angry that yet another friend has been diagnosed with breast cancer. I am angry that cancer has become an epidemic.

I recently watched the documentary Pink Ribbon, Inc. Did you know that back in the 1940’s and 1950’s one in twenty-two (4%) of women would be diagnosed with invasive breast cancer at some point in their life. And it was a post-menopausal disease. When I was diagnosed the mantra was “one in ten.” It was barely two years later that I read “one in eight.” That’s right, 12%. And there is an increase of breast cancer in women in their 30’s and 40’s. I was considered young when I was diagnosed at the age of 43.

Anger is a powerful tool. Some people become activists. Some become inspirational speakers. Many write, whether it’s a journal, blog or book. Anger is a motivator. So I am going to continue to do what I can to help promote awareness for all cancers.* I am going to fundraise for the Avon Foundation’s annual Walk for Breast Cancer. I am going to help my friends when and where I can.

I am angry. But I am also tired. I am tired of this disease. I am tired of this epidemic. I am tired of cancer.

*March is colorectal cancer awareness month. Aka bowel cancer to my friends in the U.K. This is a reminder to get screened.

If you enjoy my blog and would like to follow me on Facebook, I can be found at The Reluctant Survivor. And on Twitter @relucsurvivor.

It's Not About Pink Ribbons

On October 11 I posted the following status update on Facebook:

Six years ago today I had my annual physical where my doctor found a lump that she did not like. And so my story began.

As I wrote those words I realized I had so much more to “say” but there were too many words for a status update. (Status updates should be short and sweet so people actually read them). My thoughts went from Breast Cancer Awareness month to Pink October to what does it mean to me to what is it that I really want to communicate. You see, in the breast cancer community there is a rebellion against the pinking of October. Survivors object to the commercialization, the fact that many companies slap a pink ribbon on their product to make money but do not actually donate money to research, if at all, and that some companies give their money to foundations that do not support research.

I understand that sentiment. It is one of the reasons I support both the American Cancer Society and the Avon Foundation. Their money goes to research to find a cure for cancer. A victory for one type of cancer is a victory for all.

How do I feel about the pink ribbon campaign and Breast Cancer Awareness month? Awareness is a very good thing. But awareness is not about silly slogans, hearts on social media sites or going braless on Metastatic Breast Cancer Day. Awareness is about education. I wear a pink bracelet every day during the month of October. It was made for me by one of my friends. It reminds me of her love, as well as all the love and support I received (and still receive). It is also an opportunity for people to ask. And when there is an opportunity, I share. I share my knowledge as well as my story.

Part of my story is the fact that my doctor, my primary care physician, felt something she did not like during my annual physical. You see, not all breast cancer is found by having a mammogram.

[Having said that, if you are a woman over the age of 40, go get your annual mammogram!]

Breast cancer is found by doctors, by woman and men who notice a change in their breast, from mammograms, and from education. You need to know that not all breast cancer is the same. It is not a one-size-fits all disease.

The most common types of breast cancer are invasive ductal carcinoma and invasive lobular carcinoma. Some less common types are inflammatory breast cancer (there is no actual lump), triple-negative breast cancer (which is a diagnosis), Paget disease of the nipple, Phyllodes tumor (found in the connective tissue of the breast), and angiosarcoma (the cancer starts in the blood vessels or lymph nodes). Source: American Cancer Society.

There are risk factors associated with breast cancer. Some you can change. Some you cannot. Your age is a big factor. Only one in eight invasive breast cancers occur in women under the age of 45. We’ve all read about the gene mutation factor. Other risk factors you cannot change are a family history of breast cancer, your own personal history, your race or ethnicity (white women are more likely to develop breast cancer while African-American women are more likely to die from breast cancer), having dense breast tissue, and certain benign breast conditions. My friend Leslie wrote about dense breast tissue and her message is a very important one if you have dense breast tissue.

There are also lifestyle-related factors like having children, birth control, hormone replacement therapy and breast feeding. Now, I do not recommend having children just to avoid breast cancer because there is no guarantee, but if you want children you should know that studies have shown that women who have had no children or who had their first child after the age of 30 have a slightly higher risk of breast cancer. Other factors that you can control are alcohol intake, being overweight and your amount of physical activity.
 

As for the pinking of October I wrote about my feelings on the subject earlier this year in Think Pink. I do not object to the pink ribbon pins, but remember that Pink October is about getting the word out. It’s about education.

 

Romans 8:28 or Why I Walk, Part 2

I am walking, again, in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. This year the team is walking in San Francisco. I had thought about journaling my training and sharing it here, but I’m afraid it wouldn’t be very inspirational. You see, I have my ups and downs when it comes to training. I’ve been attempting to make my training more “official” by following a plan. In fact, I started January with walking one mile a day, six days a week. I walked 30 miles during the month of January. And developed plantar fasciitis.

So I took some time off from the treadmill in February and March. I ended up in my doctor’s office because while the heel pain went away after not walking, it came back ten times worse the first time I attempted a mile on my treadmill. I had tried everything; softer setting, new inserts for my walking shoes, slower pace. Ultimately, I just needed to stretch more before and after.

As I approached August, I calculated twelve weeks out from the Avon Walk weekend, downloaded Reebok’s 12-week training schedule (they are an official sponsor of the Avon Walk and have some great training material available to those preparing to walk), and decided I would try their recommendations. I didn’t get very far. But I haven’t given up.

You see, back when I “trained” for my first walk in 2011 I walked on my treadmill some, but mostly kept with my gym routine of dance and indoor cycling. I did some treadmill work, but not much in comparison. I thought I was in pretty good shape. Plus I had only committed to 13.1 miles each day of the walk. I was successful.

Last year when I started “training” about all I was able to accomplish was three miles a week on the treadmill. Along with some yoga, I felt that I was in better shape than the year before. And again, I only committed to 13.1 miles each day. Right now, in August, with five weeks before Event Weekend, I’m walking six miles a week with a little yoga thrown in. Since it’s San Francisco, I’m only going to commit to 13.1 miles each day.

However, the trials of my training schedule, or what appears to be a lack of training, is not what the Avon Walk is all about. It’s about community and fundraising. The money that the Avon Foundation raises at each of these events goes to breast cancer research and helping low-income and uninsured or under-insured women and men get the care they need. Most of the money stays in the communities where the walks take place. The remainder goes to underserved areas across the country and the world. Yes, the world.

When I first received that phone call from Molly, and my heart said “yes,” I knew that I had been called to a purpose. When I get discouraged or feel that I can’t do this (physically) I remember the adage that God does not call the equipped. He equips the called. Many times I have heard myself say, “Well God, you better equip me, because I can’t do this on my own.”

So, I walk in memory of my friend Jan. But I also walk because I am called. I walk for the over 230,000 women and over 2,000 men in the U.S. who will be diagnosed this year. I walk for those battling this disease. I walk so that someday, in my lifetime, there will be a cure.

If you would like to make a donation to my fundraising efforts, you can do so at my personal page.

If you enjoy my blog and would like to follow me on Facebook, I can be found at The Reluctant Survivor.